“My brother, this election is not easy ooo!!! As they say on social media, the pressure is on.
“My brother, I was so tired that I did not focus on the election. Everything seemed to be collapsing around me.”
“Depression? What makes you depressed and depressed? In this life, whatever happens, try to buy data on your phone.
Social media can help you deal with depression and anything else around you. Don’t you follow all the campaigns and elections they do and comment on social media? Online commenters are not kidding.
“But in reality, we have gone through a lot as a country. There is a lack of fuel, a lack of cash, PVC wahala, no lights so it is difficult to recover.”
“Hmm…my dear brother…suffering and smiling best describes us…although not many people smile these days..shege has ruined us. I saw a video of a grown, naked man in a bank crying and frustrated…it broke my heart…how did it get here?”
“More importantly, how do the bankers who work to serve, find time to bring their phones and make videos showing the lowest people? Where is our empathy? We have become a nation of clicks. Nothing is forbidden. Even if someone dies, we will more happy and comfortable making a one minute video than trying to help.
“It’s very sad. I am at a loss to describe what is happening now. I know, there is also a video of some people harassing the bank manager and claiming to be one of the man’s sons. The poor woman took off her wig to find out what was going on. We show all the indices of the state of war, but we are not at war.
“Campaigns and politicians mainly focus on elections and sweet promises. No one talks about what is happening to the citizens…People are dying in installments.
“We need a town hall session different from balablu, bulabaa…”
“What are you talking about?” What is balablu?”
“It’s a variant of the blue color. It’s online and used by one of the presidential candidates. You see what I said in this life, buy data. Ask for data. You can’t be depressed. The drama will not end for 9ja. Likewise the miracle that does not never mind Jesus, it’s even a drama. A week, two to three episodes of drama. I swear, if 9ja doesn’t go to Netflix this year, I won’t be happy because collectively we are more than enough for a blockbuster movie.
“I don’t have a light to charge my phone to see what’s online.”
“Try to pay for electricity to buy roasted corn and charge your phone. I promise, you won’t regret it.”
“Abi, do you need help? What does DP and electricity have to do with corn?”
“My brother, I am trying to bring you up to speed on what is happening in the country, apart from all the shege. This is still the same online that is missing. This is part of the election and campaign process.
“I know one of the aspirants said that one of his colleagues rejected Jesus in the Bible and therefore he cannot hope to fulfill his promise to Nigerians.”
“Hahahahaha…was anyone born in the time of Jesus?”
“Apparently, he has the same name as the one who rejected Jesus in the Bible.”
“Look, I have to go get some money. ATMs don’t give money. POS operators are in high demand today. They charge for naira transactions.
“Before you go and end up fighting for the little money you don’t have, stay longer with me o… The streets don’t smile.”
“Over the weekend, there was another gbasgbos online between two great men. One of them said that his friend should speak to him with respect because he has reached the height of his profession as a SAN. The colleague replied that he should learn to count below the category his weight and returned after he won the council election.Twitter went wild and shared pictures of SAN with bandages wrapped around his face.Some went on to score gbasgbos with SAN-1, heavyweight Uncle-100.
“Haahahaha…twitter is full of people who don’t like it. I know when you log in for the first time, a tweet will appear saying -welcome to Twitter. People from unhappy homes will be with you. Isn’t that the same guy who gave us the nickname – Senior Lawyer of Distractions?”
“Ah, you’ve seen some things and then … I told you, you can’t be depressed with the available data. If someone doesn’t make a duet with the city hall lyrics, someone shakes and falls with the microphone. Other times, maybe one of the candidates who promised the students to graduate in eight years or the person who shared the food received from the said candidate as a provision for the next eight years.
“Who rocked and fell?”
“You like gist sha…I thought you were complaining that you don’t have money and you want to go and queue for gas. This is one of the spokespeople for the presidential candidate. Online observers swore that the man had missed his call and must be a comedian. They are a confirmed area spreader. And to think he was once in the National Assembly. The countries and characters of this comic are five and six.
“I saw a video of a man fighting at a filling station. Someone said he should have fought and killed himself, because the ambulance was also in line and could have taken him to the hospital. Nigerians don’t have cold air these days.
“You also have a lot of girls now adding body parts and sharing them online. I swear, just one is enough to make me not think of standing near the third mainland bridge. One blogger called the enhancement, ‘God bless Africa’. It’s on its way -walk and shake, ah…oh, you’ll be shaking all over. It’s an inexplicable joy to be able to see that American wonder on the 9ja ground. God bless all these BBL surgeons. May the scissors never stop tump walahi. I saw one on Instagram when he walked into a party and told the cameraman to leave him alone. I kept whistling saying Do it yourself. God punish the devil.”
“What does BBL mean?”
“Are you kidding me? Go online and check the meaning. Not from my mouth, you will hear that one of the candidates has promised to complete the restructuring of the country within six months if elected.
“What do you say living in Dubai and having many wives? 9ja and digging stories.”
“It’s crinkum-crankum. We must stop this ludicrously lugubrious kakistocracy. This country is on the precipice of pocalypticcrepscule.
“You’re not sane ooo…waiting for you to come home before you leave. I manage myself here.”
“But really, how are we going to continue as a nation? We are blessed with everything except good leadership. Japan is now the new normal. It is sad what is happening in this country.
“Shey I’m the one who saw the shege and barely got enough money to buy yams who would think of a plane? I don’t even have money for the cargo side. Am I a dead thing before God? Or bulaba? God when yes! Suffering does not make me, I have asked my husband-‘when are you going to get married?’ I forgot once that he was married.”
“Make me, 9ja bring me. I’ll take him, 9ja take me, he’ll go.”
“You and your town crier love songs. Which one is this?”
“This is a video of the officer who entered the man’s car and the man is driving with him inside. He is now screaming- Help me! help me! the person who is carrying me is gone and I don’t know. An online musician created the song. However, 9ja brought we will not say. we just go. destination unknown.
“Let’s watch a movie. I heard there is a new movie out now that has one part of the actress’s body in full view. Someone told me there was a quote where another actor touched her as if they were tasting a fresh meat pie. What do we gain by not watching the movie? But we have to hurry because we have to pay for the popcorn.
“Ah, a movie like that in this awa 9ja?”
“No, it’s in a slum. Ask Jamb questions. Let’s go.”
“Just play. Just play.”
Onagoruwa writes from Lagos.